rotten_mangoes

2005-12-02T10:25:00.000-08:00

Loneliness is the most terrible poverty. - Mother Teresa

2005-12-01T11:52:00.000-08:00

I feel NEITHER happy nor sad...

Is it normal? I don't know. Better be like this than to be extremely depressed. Better be like this than to be extremely happy and later on will be followed by sadness, slowly enveloping my whole being.

It's hard to say things out loud or to say things admittedly. It's like a harsh slap in the face, like ice cold water being splashed at you, like blinding light in the midst of darkness...

There's a lot of things I don't want to think about... There's a lot of things I don't want to remember... But the more I try to elude, the more these thoughts and memories haunt me... Life is an irony, at your most vulnerable to your strongest times...

2005-11-29T14:15:00.000-08:00

A Short-lived Happiness...

I would like to trade everything just for a long-lived happiness...

2005-11-25T15:43:00.000-08:00

Drained...

Bruised... Helplessly tired... Wishing for a better slumber... Wishing for a rest... Peaceful place... No worries... No more tears... No more suffering...

No more thoughts... Happy or sad... Just a mere memory... Life as it passed by...

2005-11-24T15:21:00.000-08:00

I can't go on any longer...

I can no longer go on... I feel like a ghost, a spirit at a lost...

2005-11-23T10:57:00.000-08:00

If you don't want me, I guess then I don't want you either...

I give my everything, you threw it all away...
I give my all, you pushed me aside...
I gave the most important thing to me, you never cared...
If you don't want me, I guess then I don't want you either...

In the near future I'll be leaving for good...
I'll forever leave this place and this I'm certain...
I'll just think you never cared...
I'll never think of the past...

GOODBYE!!!

2005-11-22T16:00:00.000-08:00

Going With The Flow...

Am I ready for this? My tone may be less morbid than usual, but then hey we experience our ups and downs sometimes. Let's just say I'm aloof (wasn't I ever?!).

Anyway keeping myself busy kinda helped me though not really with the pressure that I have with the upcoming UP LAE. My disposition: "Go with the flow." I just have to or else I would've still been succumbing in deep sh*t. Well maybe I'm just catching my breath.

Things happen for a reason and I'm not here looking for the answers nor the reasons why it's happening. I'm just thinking and believing that it's happening because it's just how the way life flows. I just have to live it despite the scars and the bruises. There isn't anything I can do about it.

I don't expect things to happen either positive or negative. It just happens. I just see myself at one time being at the top of things and at times in deep sh*t. Right now I'm catching my breath.

It ain't that bad if you think about it. I may be living life with or without meaning, but the minimum thing is that I'm living it. I am happy just because the flow or the theme of my life at that very moment is happy. And likewise when I'm sad.

I dare not ask anymore questions even if I know I'm so curious to know. I choose to just see things as it happens and I just choose not to interpret. Yes, I understand things but I only choose to understand it for the mere reason that it's what life has called it for. It's flowing likened to a river.

2005-11-17T10:22:00.000-08:00

Just getting by...

2005-11-16T09:44:00.000-08:00

COME AROUND
Rhett Miller

(My very song...)

I'm dressed all in blue and I'm remembering you
And the dress you wore when you broke my heart
I'm depressed upstairs and I'm remembering where
And when and how and why'd you have to go so far

Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
I'm gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Unless you come around so come around

I'm dressed all in white and I remember the night
You came on to me and opened up my heart
I was hollow then till you filled me in now I'm empty again
I should have never let it start

Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
I'm gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Unless you come around so come around

No one else can fix me although sometimes my heart tricks me
Into thinking someone else will do
But you're the only one you are the only one

Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
I'm gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Unless you come around so come around
So come around so come around

I'm dressed all in blue and I'm remembering you
And the dress you wore when you broke my heart

2005-11-14T17:15:00.000-08:00

"HAPPY" BIRTHDAY...

No one can ease this pain I'm feeling. No one can ease the loneliness I'm having. A big irony of such a big day... Today's my birthday and despite the facade of happiness, deep inside me I feel so empty. Deep inside me I want to get lost in the depths. I feel like a lone swimmer in the vast ocean, with no one to save me. With no one to hear me. With no one to look for me. No one knows what I'm feeling inside. No one would understand, no one would understand.

Even if you look into my eyes, you wouldn't know what I'm feeling. I'm good in hiding things. You won't know, you won't know I'm heaving so much loneliness. Questioning my very purpose, questioning the "happy" in this day.

I shall smile, but no one would know. I shall smile as if I'm the happiest person. But you wouldn't know I'm slowly dying inside. Wishing things would just cease for me. Wishing everything to end. Bidding adeiu to the world. Sinking into the ocean's depths without wondering. I've grown tired of struggling, I've grown tired of fighting. I welcome my endless sleep, with a tear rolling down my cheek.

2005-11-10T08:30:00.000-08:00

I'm a CYNIC...

Don't ask me why, don't ask me how. Just take it as it is.

2005-11-02T14:14:00.000-08:00

"There are some people who meet that somebody that they can never stop loving, no matter how hard they try. I wouldn't expect you to understand that, or even believe it, but trust me, there are some love that don't go away. And maybe that makes them crazy, but we should all be lucky to end up with that somebody who has little of that insanity. Somebody who never lets go. Somebody who cherishes you forever."- Ally McBeal

2005-11-02T14:13:00.000-08:00

Six (or was it seven) bottles of San Mig Light and one sachet of Extra Joss. You guess what happened after that when I got home.

Nope I didn't throw up even if I wanted to just to ease the drunken feeling. As usual the night before my LAE review I only slept for four hours. Not that I'm complaining, it feels good to actually unwind after everything. I just forgot to take off my contact lenses though and woke up realizing that I still have them on. Next time when I drink, I'll just have to wear eyeglasses! Ha!

2005-10-27T15:31:00.000-07:00

"Sometimes the best questions are left not asked and unanswered."

2005-10-27T13:54:00.000-07:00

WE ALL LIVE AND WE ALL DIE

My mind's blank.
The feeling of oblivion sinking in.
Created by the feeling of indifference.
Apathetic.

I don't want to feel.
My heart slowly enveloped with coldness.
Don't ask me what I think.
My answer: "We all die."

I'm either strong or weak.
Don't give a damn with things.
Ask me something, I give you an answer.
Morbidly.

I'm genial yet I'm a lone being.
We all live and we all die.

2005-10-27T08:49:00.000-07:00

Something weird happened or maybe my laptop's complaining on me. It just shut off by itself while I was in the middle of my first blog. Too bad for me I wasn't able to save my first work. Oh well, back to the drawing boards.

October's almost over and tomorrow will be one of the finale of the Oktoberfest celebrations. As I've said before, "Three bottles of beer, one bottle of vodka, 4 hours of sleep". Nice! Good way to get a hang-over the following day while reviewing. I needed a break really badly anyway.

I haven't been feeling quite well these past 2 days. Maybe it's because of the changing weather. Geez!

Just a day away and it's in for a long weekend! Anxious or excited?! As long as I leave that other thing behind I'm all focused on something else (ask me if you want to know, you'll be lucky if I tell you what it is!)

I had been here for almost 1 hour already (and I haven't started working!) Talk about being a very "responsible" employee. But hey, I will be starting once I'm through with my breakfast though!

We all live and we all die.

2005-10-26T14:19:00.000-07:00

PERSPECTIVE OVERHAUL

I've grown afraid of someone that I love. It was a humbling situation and somehow it has dramatically changed my perspective in life. The only way to snap out of something is to be berated horribly (not that I'm complaining).

I've experienced so many things in my life but I don't know if I had experienced enough. Sometimes I can't help think that if I only had underwent the same traumas, the same experiences, the same heartaches and the same abuse other people had undergone, then I had been a different person now. My way of thinking would've been different, my way of accepting things would've been different.

But it's something that not all people have to go through. Maybe there are just some things that I need to experience that is enough for me to go through life. And that I should be thankful and feel blessed that I am not to undergo those hardships. Something that shouldn't be questioned and pondered on rather something that should be thankful for and be happy about.

2005-10-26T11:55:00.000-07:00

I THINK GOD CAN EXPLAIN
Splender

(Note: Just hearing this somehow makes me comfortable.)

There's a lot of things I understand
And there's a lot of things that I don't want to know
But you're the only face I recognize
It's so damn sweet of you to look me in the eyes

It's alright, I'm ok
I think God can explain
I believe I'm the same
I get carried away
It's alright, I'm ok
I think God can explain
I'm relieved, I'm relaxed
I'll get over it in the end

The scent of vaseline in the summertime
The feel of an ice cube melting over time
The world seems bigger than both of us
Yet it seems so small when I begin to cry

It's alright, I'm ok
I think God can explain
I believe I'm the same
I get carried away
It alright, I'm ok
I think God can explain
I'm relieved, I'm relaxed
I'll get over it in the end

I'm so much better than you guessed
I'm so much bigger than you guessed
I'm so much brighter than you guessed

It's alright, I'm ok
I think God can explain
I believe I'm the same
I get carried away
It's alright, I'm ok
I think God can explain
I'm relieved, I'm relaxed
I'll get off of your back

I think God can explain, I think God can explain
I think God can explain

2005-10-25T13:36:00.000-07:00

Inspiration struck?! Yeah right! Frustration and depression are more like it. What's to be inspired about? Anyway just doing something worthwhile, I'm still under the influence of A.I.D.S.

Name: Yanni (psuedonym)

Nick: Yanni

Age: 22 turning 23

Birthday: Ask me when, you're lucky if I tell you.

Birthplace: Makati

Friends: Check my Friendster account.

Likes: reading, thinking, getting wasted (let's catch a few [or more] drinks sometime), yosi breaks, going around my office's vicinity while I'm under the A.I.D.S. influence.

Dislikes: those are many to mention, CHAKA!!!

Music: rock & alternative, I've lost my being a hopeless romantic so it's a big no-no to sentimental music! Sucks!

Food: Not really into eating nowadays... preferred sleeping instead! Target is to lose 5 lbs. the minimum!

Present State: pessimist, apathetic, oblivious

Colors: black!!!

Hobbies: hmmm... let's see... not much into doing something nowadays, you tell me! Drinking and smoking perhaps?!

Saying: Don't know, don't care, don't give a damn!

We all live and we all die.

2005-10-25T09:36:00.000-07:00

Okay. This ain't exactly like rottentomatoes.com but I wish it is. Will try to enhance this site when I get to refresh myself with HTML again.

My name is Yanni, though it's not really my real name and not a lot of people will associate me with it. Actually I got the idea from my second given name and just came up with something that starts with a "Y". I don't know I guess I like names starting with it (hmm... care to have myself re-baptized again!).

What can I say about myself... I graduated college and am planning to take up further studies on my own expense. I'm working in one of the most prestigious company in the world (or so they say!) and this is my second job out of college (talk about people saying I'm old!). I'm just 22, ok will turn 23 in a few weeks time (and geez, what's with the number! Always reminds me of something!) and I'm not really ecstatic to celebrate either my upcoming birthday or Christmas.

I'm one oblivious person. Apathy just gets me anywhere. They say that Ferdinand Marcos' motto was "The end justifies the means" a saying which he got from Niccolo Macchiavelli's work, The Prince. That's how he was when he became a lawyer and that's how he was when he became president and dictator of this country. I'm not idolizing or anything, but just to give you an insight of my present state, you can say I'm one heck of a pessimist. I'm one Darth Vader incarnate, only this time I'm no Jedi and there ain't no fictitious "force" whatsoever. Let's just say I'm frustrated to learn his sword fighting skills though (very cool moves if you ask me).

Right now, I don't care what people say about me. If they want to say anything about me that ain't my problem but theirs. Let me just advise that it's just a waste of time pondering over me, concentrate on your own problems.

We all live and we all die.